How to End a Relationship and Move On With Your Life
If life is all about growth, then the person we are allowing into our life, should be one who uplifts us, support us and certainly, challenge us. But, if that person now only reminds us of our flaw(s), not with words, but by actions, then it might be time to look into a different mirror.
Which makes me wonder, are we like magnets; attracting what we project? And if what we are projecting is dissatisfaction, then is that what we will end up attracting?
Two people getting together, should serve to do better together -- as a couple -- what it is they cannot do on their own. To feel better about yourself is not a solid, productive reason for being with someone. You cannot possibly begin to love anyone if you do not love yourself. Of course, it helps if they love you, but sometimes -- and by “sometimes” I mean most times -- someone who claims to love you may be doing so without first loving themselves. And this, could very well be the first indication that the relationship is doomed.
Do not believe that you can change someone; this is taking the well-paved road of frustration lined with concrete barricades of disappointment. The only person you can change is yourself. Let go and move on. Here’s how:
Be honest: This is about helping someone, not hurting them, and lies or untruths will only require additional explanation, the need for clarification and ultimately, prevent closure. “We’ve grown apart and I feel we are attempting to salvage something that has died. I won’t be coming back” is how I ended my last relationship. This was difficult to accept, however admitting it -- to yourself -- is a critical, first step. Unless they disagree, there is nothing left to be said.
Realize memories cannot be the present: as fondly and as beautiful as a recollection is, it is in the past. Often we tend to delve there attempting to reclaim the feelings we once experienced. A memory can only evoke a feeling, it will not resurrect the lost enthusiasm. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can be persuaded with “what we once had” pleas. Either you or they have changed and like any experiment, changing one variable, will affect the end result.
Be careful whom you talk to: remember, “misery loves company,” and many people are seeking relationships for the wrong reasons. If the person you are with possesses the traits commonly accepted as “good enough” then a proper, honest perspective cannot be attained from anyone in an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship. Be mindful too, that if your friends are also single, they may not have your best interests in mind. Your gut is a good enough indicator, trust it. If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t.
Don’t say let’s be friends: it’s cliche and dismissive. Friendship is built on mutual trust and support. This is what was lost. Time is also a considerable and often critical factor when it comes to getting to know someone, be it mutual affection exclusive of sexual relations. If you were meant to be friends, you would be either before the relationship or sometime after, without intent and instinctively. And this, could very well be a point of rediscovery and ultimately new possibilities.
PHOTO (cc): Flickr / n-drew
Forgive and Forget and Pass the Salad: More Divorcees Living Together For Economic Survival
In the late 1970s, the United States Census Bureau coined a term to describe a rising phenomena: POSSLQ (Persons of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters). Today the focus is on economic survival, and a term that might be used to describe an emerging trend is DASLQ (Divorced and Sill Living Together).
Take real estate agent Justin Chipman, for example, whose email signature reads: "The Big Guy With the Bow Tie." Now in his 40s, Justin's first job was as a stand-up comic, living on tips. He then began remodeling houses, got married, had two kids, and lived a middle class lifestyle.
When his wife of nine years moved out, Justin became Mr. Mom. Although they had joint custody, he did most of the raising of their two children.
Four years ago, two years before the housing bubble collapsed, Justin became a real estate agent. When the recession hit, he lost his savings and his home. In response, he and his two children moved into a rental house. As the market continued its downward slide, he took time to streamline everything.
"I need a stereo," he says, is a stereotypical response. "We don't need most of the things we think we need. Once I learned to streamline my needs, I discovered that life becomes much easier to manage. For example, I haven't used credit cards for two years. I only use a debit card. I put $100-200 cash in my wallet each week and that's it."
Six months ago, when he had cut expenses as much as he could, he discovered one more place to cut: Date Night.
It had been almost 10 years since his divorce. His children were now teenagers. He was in-between relationships, and so was his former wife. She was also a realtor, struggling with the changing marketplace. "When I invited her to move in with us," he says, "we agreed that the family came first. We would not bring [home] someone we might be dating."
In addition, she agreed to pay half of everything: the monthly rent, the utility bills, and laundry detergent. She even took charge of the kitchen and began cooking some of the family meals.
The biggest beneficiaries, of course, are the children, says Justin. They love having their parents living under one roof again. "And with my expenses now cut in half, I'm even taking some afternoons off to play basketball with my kids."
Looking ahead, his next big challenge is putting two kids through college. As he puts it: "I've been studying the college industry - and it IS an industry - to see how I can streamline expenses here."
The house he rented is close to the high school his children now attend. It's also an easy bike or bus ride to the local college. Looking ahead to the college years he sees a path forward. "If they live at home, eat most of their meals at home, and buy some of their college textbooks as e-books, we should be able to live a streamlined middle class lifestyle for the next eight years."
Note: In my new book, Parkinomics, 8 Great Ways to THRIVE in the New Economy, I describe other success stories. If you like, please share your own story below or add a comment.
PHOTO (cc): Flickr / zzd
